Settled and Content

Tonite my household is filled with a settled and content feeling. There are so many things right now that are in the air but at the same time everything feels good right now at this moment. I love it. My husband just gave the kids and I a back to school blessing. each one was so sweat. I love him more each and every day. The kids are doing so good. Right now life is good even in the middle of bad. I will explain later for right now I am feeling to good to tell about the disasters we face.

Great Weekend

I had one of the best weekends. On Saturday I went to a womans conference and heard the best speakers. They were uplifting and enlightening. I loved it. I got exactly what I was looking for to be recharged and spiritually ready to go. I always love these things. I have never came away from them saying wow that was a waste. I go in the ready to be taught something new and always get what I am looking for.

Daughter 1 is having trouble again in YW. I don't know how to fix this for her. Or even if I should attempt to. Every time I open my mouth it makes things worse. So maybe I will sit this one out. Let her figure it out for herself. Even though I hate to feel like I am not doing enough for her. She is a smart one.

Friday

I am so glad that it is Friday! Not that I don't just love my new job but this week family wise has been hectic. Son has strep and the girls have a bad case of Drama Queen. Have you ever hear of that virus? The symptoms are crying for no reason. loudly, screaming,throwing oneself down to the ground, and declaring on a regular bases that some one is ruining your life. Need examples?Well , Let me fill you in! It starts out with the 14 year old screaming at the top of her lungs that "You have ruined my life! If I cant go to the tanning spa and tan then I will be an eight grade outcast at the formal." then in the middle of that the 11 year old girl begins jumping up and down throwing herself on the ground screaming like hairy carry has been committed on her. Only to f ind out she claims she has stepped on something. When I look at her foot there is no evidence of it. Which I tell her causing her to stomp ( Without a limp) out of the room screaming " you never never pay attention to me! I am in the middle and no one ever pays attention to me." She then goes to her room and cries as loud as she can. Making sure everyone inside and outside of the house can hear.
Ok now you have the symptoms and examples of this erratic behavior can you picture these 2 wonderful little girls doing these things? Try real hard because.. Yes there is more.This virus of bad behavior spreads. Oh, Yes it does. It spreads even to the animals that you have living in your home. And it only spreads at the worst times. Like when you are running late for work. Or you are sick and only wish you could go back to bed. Or when you are on the phone. The way to know that it is spreading is that the dog will begin to jump all over the house barking. The cats of the house will become the dogs target of attack and they will begin hissing and slapping as the dog is barking and jumping. While this goes on it signals the nine year old boy of the house to begin screaming and jumping with the dog and cats. At this moment I swear the fish are even laughing at all of the chaos.

This is every morning. The only thing that changed this morning was that the nine year old boy was sick with strep. So he wasn't there to agg on the dog and cats. I hope he is better by morning.

Great Day

Today me and the kids went to the Zoo. It was so great. I just let them be silly and be themselves. Hubby was to sick to go and that was a bummer. We only went for a few hours but it showed me that I should do things with just us 5 and not invite the whole world. Just let us have some family time.
I think that I may have reached my son some today. I made sure to take extra care to love on him and keep him close. I did that intervals with each child. But I really think I reached him.

This morning hubby woke up and looked at me and told me that he needed, loved and couldn't live without me. It was so sweet. Spontaneous and real. I love this man more than humanly possible to ever love another person. He is the best husband, friend and Father.

It was a Great Day.

Change... Not always a bad thing.

You know people say all the time Can you believe how so and so changed? I cant believe she or he has changed so much. Well, My opinion, and you know I was going to give it) is that if you don't reflect at least once a day on something that you are going to change then You are in some real trouble. It could be rearranging your cubicle, to a life altering deep change. I have made several changes as I have stated in the past. It took awhile to get to the point to say ok enough is enough I am DONE with this issue pressing on my mind how am I going to fix it.

Now I am not saying that I am all powerful Miss Perfect.I am saying that I am trying. These are the things that have impacted me the most to make changes and some of the changes I have made.

First of all my children. All three of those wonderful small beings that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with. They changed the way I think from the day that I found out I was pregnant with my first one. I no longer could only think of me. I had to think and act for another human being. I am so grateful for my children. They have kept me grounded and out some serious bad situations.

Second My Husband. I love that man more than I ever knew you could love another Human being. He is defiantly my soul mate, my other half. If I never had him I would not be where I am today. And if I lost him I am not sure if I could breath, move, think or function ever again. He makes me laugh and holds me when I need to cry. He pushes me to be a better person. I look at him different each and every day. Our marriage has grown into this beautiful relationship that I never knew you could have with another person. My friend told me once she loved her husband so much that she could crawl up inside him and stay there and be perfectly happy. I didn't understand then what she meant.... but now.. Now I do. As much as we are one he still allows me to be m own person and encourages me every step of the way. Even if he does not agree. My wish is for all my children and all of you reading this finds this kind of love.

The next thing that has created change in me is this book that I read. A Heart Like His. It has made me stop and think about what thought I allow into my brain and how long I allow them to stay there. This is what I figured out. I can either let a depressing thought get into my head and fester making me miserable or I can force it out an be happy. I am working really hard to control my thought so that I can work on becoming more Christ like in thought and action.

Anyway what has brought on this rambling is that a friend has told me that I have changed. And my response to that is No I have grown and I am thankful for all the influenced that have come along to help with that.

YES, It is me! After all this time !

I have not wrote in so long. I have had so many changes I don't think I can list them all in one post. SOOOOOO Where do I start? Should I start with I have lost 140 pounds? Or that I lost my brother in law and it impacted me so devastatingly that I don't know how I will ever recover? Or that I got a great new job and it has allowed almost all my resolutions to be reachable?

Okay I will start with.... The weight because I am at work on lunch and if I did Joe I would start crying and be useless for the rest of the day. I had Gastrobipass on January 27th 2006. I was going to blog it but I had dial up and well we know how that sucks the fun of the internet right down the tube. So it was painful still is if I drink too fast or eat too much. Would I do it again? Without a Doubt. It is the best thing I have done for myself ever. I went from a size 56 pants in mens size to a 14 in womans. If that don't put in perspective then think of 320 to 175. It is fun that I can go into a store and shop in a totally new department. My husband likes it too. He tries not to make a big deal about it but I know he likes it.

Well, I have to go work on a Palm. I will be back soon.

Why do family members baskstab others?

I just done get it. If you were to ask my husband and his brother who the sweetest, kindness, unjudgmental person in the whole world is. Who would they call first if ever in any seriouse trouble? Who is always there taking care of needs of each member of the family and never says one word? There reply wouldnt be me, or there mother, they would both say there sister.
WELL, I am not sure if she saves up all the backstabbing judgmental stuff for her friends or just for me but I have heard her say nasty stuff about each and every one of them. I have had her treat me like I am not part of the family and no one can do anything better than her. I have had her say awful things about my husband, there mother, brother, his kids, and my opinions. Not to mention her friends and husband. it must be hard for her. To sit back and never say what she is thinking avoiding an argument just by being pollite and pertending nothing bothers her.
I would rather be me. Tackey old me. That tells everyone what I think and never holds nothing in. Except with her I dont tell her how I feel. I think she is mean allot of time. She is mean to my mother in law and to my nieces. I think it is ridicules that she doesnt tell her husband when she disagrees with him.

I found this little daisy and I just love it! I think daisy's are the most friendly happy flowers. I planted about a dozen of the big Shasta daisy's but they didn't last too long in this heat. It is suppose to get up to a 105 degrees today. I don't think it will.
Ok now down to business. I am going to start some changes. I know, I know! I have said this before. But this time I really have to. I weight more almost as much as I did before I went to Doctor C to loose weight. I did everythig I was suppose to to try for my stomach lapband but it doesn't looklike it is going to happen. So now here I sit. Fat, tired, extremely unhealthy, all do to too many candy bars and I have to do something about this. I AM SICK OF IT!! I have a diet plan the dietician gave to me. I found a diet diary to write down the stuff I eat. Now I just have to kick myself into gear. I bought the exercise equipment to work out on. Now all I have to do is just do it! I want to go to the Holiday party and look terrific. So it looks like I am going to have to do it on pure me.
I should be able to do it too. I am running on my own fuel as far as everything else. For the first time in my life I am not on no appetite suppressant or any other drugs. I have been getting more done then I thought I would. I am going to get some vitamins and do this!. Then if along the way I get approved for the lapband all the better. I think I will post my progress as I go.

So I hope you check back and forth and get a glimse of whats up. If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE feel free to send them to me.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Things are slowly going down hill all the time. Financially of course. I really think it is time we make drastic changes to our life, But how do I get hubby ( a creature of habit ) to agree?

I WILL DO WHAT I CAN AND THE REST WILL KEEP.

Fix your attention on your...goal[s] and never look back on your earlier problems... Our energies [should be] focused not behind us but ahead of us..."
—Howard W. Hunter
Ensign, May 1987

I found this in a newsletter I get every day. I think it is amazing the way sometimes things just show up kind of right when you need them to. I have been so upset lately over little things thaty dont even matter. Stuff I caint even fix, things I have no control over. Now I realize what I need to do. Focus on what I can change then the rest will keep.
#1 Thing I can control..MY MIND.... Whether or not I am going to let this problem with my kidneys control me or if I am going to control it.......
I think I am going to be in charge. But HOW?
Well I am going to educate myself more. I have been doing some interesting reading. So I still dont know the name but I know what the possibilities are for the disease. It caint be worse than what I already have. I know that. Well I quesse it could. But I have decided it is not. So all I need to do is educate myself more. Go to the Dr on Wednesday and get the nexgt steps and in the mean time I need to start life changes. Real life changes.

First change... State of mind as said above. Be come more positive and I control what is going on. So I am going to say this affrimation as often as possible...
I am healthy, happy, energetic, intelligent, and free.
Over and over again.
I am not going to get lazier with this. Yes I dont feel good an dI have no energy but I am not going to focus on that. Instead I am going to tell myself I am energetic, I can get through this day and do everything I can.

Now the hard one ..

Second Change...... MY BODY....
I need to start eating and excersing better. I am not going to rely on drugs any more to loose weight. I caint. It is not healthy. So I need to start excersing and eating right, I have already cut mu soda over half the normal intake. Now I got to get off the brownies and the dove bars.

NO EXCUSES any more.. It is litterly do or die.

My next big change is Spirit.... I need to continue with the spiritual growth I have been developing. I have come along way but I still have along way to go. I need not to sneek a cigerette here and there because it does matter!! I need not to nagg my loving dear husband about what disisions he makes about wether he is going to drink or not and just silenghtly pray to our dear Lord to help him and me to make it to the temple in this life.

I want things too fast I think. I have been worried about things that caint even happen for a year! a year! Thats insane. I am not going to do that any more. I am going to try to do what I can and the rest will keep.
This is my new motto. I WILL DO WHAT I CAN AND THE REST WILL KEEP.
Ya I like that I am going to repeat that along with my other Affirmation.

Utter Shock and Amazement

Yesterday I got some really shocking news. I was flabbergasted at it.
I still am. I just caint belive it. Ok ok I will get to the point. Last Wednesday I went to get a Catscan done for Abdomanal pain. Then On Friday the DR. office calls and says for me to call them for an appointment to go over the results. I thought hmmmm that is weird.
So Yesterday I called and said I caint take this week off work please tell me over the phone what is. I truly dont want to wait a weeek to find out it will drive me crazy! So they said We caint the it will be upto the DR yadayada.
Any way the DR. calls and says"Has anyone ever told you that you are missing your left kidney?

"I said" NO why???"
She says because "it isnt there."
I laughed and said what???? "Are you sure?"
She says "yes the ct scan shows there is no kidney. "
I said "wow.".. " Where did it go?"

It just isnt there. I am 30 years old how can it just not be there? I dont know. The same thing happened to my mother at the same age. Weird.

Clay Pot Bird Bath - terra cotta pot

Clay Pot Bird Bath - terra cotta pot

I think I am going to try this one tommorow. I love it!

Self-esteem

Self-esteem

The letter in this page kills me! It could have been written maybe by a future version of my son. I am always worried about the girls and there self -esteem so they wont turn to a boy for it... I forgot about my boy. And what he needs to feel self worth. The other day I had set him down and asked him why he was doing some of the things he was. He said "I don't Know". Just like always. Then he said "Mommy, when I am in my room and you walk by and I say something you never stop and talk to me or act like you hear me how come? How come you don't stop down and talk to me?"
I felt like my heart was ripped out. I honestly dont hear him most of the time. I guess I walk through so caught up in what I am doing I dont listen to that small voice saying " Hey, Hey Mommy we need to talk". I have noticed lately my sons eyes. When you look into them you see allot of pain, hurt, and confusion. I have noticed when we are doing something as a family he sits back and watches sometimes. All this has been concerning me for a very long time. But I havent known what to do.
Since then I began walking down the hall at night when I get home a little slower. And not waiting for him to say something without going in there and hugging him and saying I love you How was your day. Then I go change my cloths from work and get confortable. I also began holding him on my lap a little more and talking to him. It amazes me that he is this age already. How did all 3 of my wonderful children get to be these ages. I have rushed by all the great stuff without ever realizing it. It has all been jumbled with cleaning the house and going to work, Paying the bills, and which activity do the kids have tonight. Which this is another subject I will get to soon.
This is the real wake up I have needed. Between the things I had experienced and reading the letter above I was like WOW We have to make changes. Of course, my husband does not understand. He thinks everything needs to be handled with firmness and strickness. And I caint handle that wat any more. I am trying to pray for the both of us to get a true grasp on what each one our kids needs. How do they each need to be loved to feel loved. To round them up for there future. We have to be on the right track I can feel it. I believe the Church has had allot to do with that. The values they have set for families to live by helps allot. The Family home evenings, and family prayer. The talks from the leaders about cherishing and honoring our children. All these great people and the powerful talks given by them really help you to think about where your priorites are.
No I am not a stay at home Mom. I work. Until last week I worked a 40 to 50 hour work week. My husband about the same. It has taken us a long time to get into the comfortable routine we have now. I get home later so he cooks. He usually takes kids to activities and when I get home I change then I go and sometimes relieve him so he can go home and relax a little. We have set allot of compromises this way. I dont like to fold laundry he doesn't want to run up and down the stairs to do it. So we taught our oldest daughter how to and I do the dishes. LOL. Then I pay her an allowance for all the hard work. It all blends out. We all have parts of the house work we are responsible for. And we all have things we have to do to keep things going. Each child has a chore list and so do us parents. One thing we over looked is listening to each other and talking to each other nicely. WE have allot of contention in our home. Allot of screeming.Along with allot of pain from it all. It took my 7 year old son telling me I walk by his door to fast to hear him to make me realize we need to fix some problems.

Affirmations

Affirmations

Yahoo! Mail - prissygk@yahoo.com

Yahoo! Mail - prissygk@yahoo.com


This was sent to me as an email. It is so cute. I hope the animations pass on to you all to see.

Yahoo! Groups : 1writelife_chat Messages : Message 24735 of 24763

Yahoo! Groups : 1writelife_chat Messages : Message 24735 of 24763: "'I cannot be content to creep when I feel the urge to soar.' ~ adapted
from Helen Keller"

I saw this post on one of the Yahoo Groups I belong to. I love it. This is something I need to read over and over again.

Lost:1 Mind; If found Please return it to ......1 Insane Lady

Well I feel a little more sain today then I did yesterday but not much. I think I am in the middle of loosing my mind. All I want to do is eat, sleep, yell and scream like a mad lasy then cry for hours. I cried yeserday all threw church. I even went to the Bishop and asked for permission to get a divorce. I love my husband, I dont want a divorce. I would like to get my mind back though. I feel so insane and not like muself. I just dont get it . I dont know why I would even feel this way. everything is going fairly well.. Our financial aspect of things could be a lot better. A whole lot beter. It ia bad right now. We have no money. Not for anything. I done know how we are going to take care of all the bills. They are so high and we just arent making enough money to cover everything. Then my husband (gotta love 'em) tries to help and goes out grocery shopping. He spends $200- $300 on groceries. THIS IS NUTS!!! We dont need to be doing this. We need to shop at the cheap store. Not see how much steak we can stockpile in the freezer.
My lovely children. There is another story. They all try so hard to help.With anything thay can. Unless it is my request to QUIT fighting. The nagging, name calling, pushing shoving and running around screeming. I love them so much but I really wish for just one day they could get along.
I get so frustrated and depressed. We need to become a stronger better family so that we can go here http://lds.about.com/library/gallery/clipart/temples/blgallery_temples25.htm

Where Have My Post Gone??????????

I could swear that I put in a post just the other day and it isnt here. That has been happening lately. It never shows up for several days then WAM@! a new post is added. HMM wonder if any one else is having these problems or is it just me.
I think I am going to be dismissed from my job soon. Because of missing an extra day last week. There isnt anything I can do about it though. I had a cyst on my overies burst. THAt HURTS! It didnt feel good at all. Anyway.... so now they are telling me I need to find my priorties. Well they arent here. They are sitting in 3 diffrent classrooms learning ( I hope ) about something very inportant.

I wanna go HOME !!!!!!

I am sitting here waiting fo for the boss to go so I can slip away. My manager said I could leave early so I dont know why I need to wait. This is the office boss so it can be my butt and his if I dont. I have a 7:00 and will nevermake it if I caint sneek out early. UGGG!!! This would have never happend if he would have switched with me like I had asked him to.
Any way I am going to find away to get serious about the whole dieting thing again. I just caint seem to do it. I dont know why. I overeat and eat the wrong things.I need to weigh myself and see where I am now. It would help if I didnt go downstairs at all. They always have so much junk down there. Plus I have to find an excercise plan. I dont want to do the Richard Simmons tape I have been doing.I guesse it is time to change again. I should keep a food diary too. Like today I had too much I know I did. Atleast of the wrong things. I guesse I am going to have to quit stopping at the gas station that serves food. I dont know what to do but I will figure it out.

It has been a few days. I have been sick. I hurt my back actually. I am better now still a little sore.
Do you ever get this feeling like you are totally in the wrong place? Like there is a bigger and better something you are suppose to be doing? I do! I just done know what it is. Or where I should be. I thought this was the job for me but now almost a year later I know it isn't really. So if this isn't then where is? And will I know it when I find it. I want something that allows me to be creative. Something that is a challenge. I truly want my own store. I would live to buy my Aunt's bookstore. I would totally redo it. I would add some little things here and there to sell also. I want to learn to make candles also. To scent them and everything. Then there are the rugs I make and the bags I make. I keep getting told to sell them. I think I will try to make them and to sell them. Who knows what will come out of. Maybe I will get out of this job.

ALSO!!! BIG NEWS !!!
I have now officially made it 2 weeks smokw free.!!! It is getting better . Now I just have to work on the weight I gained back from quitting.

Another Day

I just read a very good article on Blogging at work.
It made me start to think about what is the policy here for stuff like that. Then I thought if some one can violate every single end user policy we have then I think I am safe. Any way you may find it interesting to read what has happened to other people in this case. I dont mention anyone by name and I keep myself anonymous so I feel thats one of the safest way. All though I hate my job there isnt a whole lot of bad stuff I can write about my boss because he is an ok guy. I only hate my job because of the hours and commute, well, and there are some people in the office that is a pain.
Anyway lets get off that subject and on with another. HAPPY ST.PATRICK'S DAY!! I love St. Pats day. I always have. When I was a kid my mom would take food coloring and color our hair green for the day. This was before they made rules about it being a distraction. I usually always put my girls hair up in green bows and everything. I had to be in the office early so I am not sure if they got dressed in green or not. I got up early and put on the Cornbeef anf cabbage for dinner. I guesse I will never know what green beer taste like. Oh well.

Angry and Lonely

I feel right now like I am one of the loneliest people in the entire universe! I can't go talk with friends because I no longer smoke and they all do so guess where they are? Then last night I get into it with the hubby and all I really wanted was a hug arms around me telling me it was going to be ok. No what does he do? He wants to fight and play that dumb playstation. He is never up past 9:00 if it is for me but last night he wanted to throw a fit and he was up til 12:00. Then in the mean time my sister calls telling me my parents house is going to cave in and what am I going to do about it. Then she wanted to know if I had all arrangements made for my mother to get to the hospital. I am so uptight I feel like I can explode! Between this job I despise and every aspect of my life going to crap! Then to make it all better (LOL and sarcasms) the lady's planned my enrichment retreat in another secret meeting they had on Sunday. They never said they were going to do this. They never checked with me about anything. They made all the plans and yet again didn't include me. I am DONE!!!!! This is the second time I have been this angry over something they did. I think I am going to resign. I am going to go to church still but I am no longer going to go to the women's class. I am going to leave and let the husband bring the kids home I think. I feel like I just got outted in every aspect of my life! I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. And I hate this. I really do. I don't know what to do about it. I feel backed in a corner and helpless. But so angry I feel like I can beat a herd of wild bores to death with my own 2 hands. Why do I feel like this? If anyone reads this please put in your 2 cents. I can use them.

I wasn't sure of this!

I really wasn't sure I was going to make it. This weekend was so tuff. I was harsh with the kids at times. I know I snapped at them. But they are such wonderful kids. My oldest said "Mom I was reading your pamphlet from the NO-SMOKING place and it says to sip ice water." Then she hands me a glass of it and says "So Sip! And quit your crabbing "
I thought it was so funny because for one she took the time to read the pamphlet to see what was going on and for two it worked. Children are so amazing, or atleast mine are to me. The things I work so hard to protect them from are the things they will dive into understand and help with. I always said before I wanted to quit smoking but I never wanted to be grouchy or impatient with my kids. I never wanted to snap at them because I was having problems dealing with a self Inflicted problem. But the truth of the matter is out of everyone in my life I think they helped the most. It was them saying it will be ok and them trying to understand that makes everything more gratifying that I am now a NON-SMOKER!
My hisband on the other hand just pretended to not care if I quit or didnt. He just acts like it is no big deal. I know he truly wants me too. I really wish he would say Good JOB! or something. I always make a big deal out of his feets. Although there has been some grouchy spells and he has gotten some of the directed toward him. Well I will keep everyone posted on how I am doing.

I DID IT!!!

I truly think this time I have done it !!!!!

I am a NON-Smoker. Today at 9:00 am I went in to the Stop-Smoking clinic and for the grande price of $90 I got my 2 ears slightly poked for a few seconds and the gift of being smoke-free. I truly dont want a cigerette at all. I felt a little edgy coming into work and well.. to be honest I had a slight anxiety attach and almost went home instead. But here I am at almost 3:30 a total of 8 hours since my last one and I am OK! I think this is truly going to work. The real test will be this weekend with my family. If I can get through that then I can get through anything.
The procedure is called Auricular Therapy, and here is a link to there site. http://www.lc-stopsmoking.com/

Been away for awhile

I havent wrote in so long I almost forgot how to. So much has changed.Where do I start .... The job I thought I wanted come to find out ahh, I really dont want it. That my family has went back to church. At that time I believe it was more like me and the kids went and I wanted the hubby to come. Well he has. As a matter of fact he was babtised on Saturday February 26th. It was one of the happiest days. everyone from the church made it so fabilouse. They all showed up and gave there support, we had atleast 4 sets of missionaries, and my mother in law came.

I dont remember my babtism. One thing I will always remember about his was how small he looked in the font. almost like a child. Then after word he glowed like nothing I have ever seen before. It was a truly amazing experience. I am so glad we got to share it as a family. The kids enjoyed it as well.